Four Letter Words

Much to my wife's chagrin, there are a lot of four letter words uttered in my kitchen. These usually follow a momentary lapse in concentration when using a knife, grabbing the handle of a cast iron pan that I just took out of the oven, or that moment of clarity when I realize that I left out a key ingredient and the dish is ruined. Depending on my mood and the level of my stupidity, the resulting four letter word might come out as muttered curse or an angry bark. Lupe doesn't like, or approve of either. She tells me it makes her sad when I curse. I understand and I try to watch myself, but I've been a sailor for twenty years. Cursing like a sailor. Come on; that's an actual expression. It isn't like I just made it up. Sailors curse. It's one of the first things we learn in boot camp. I have to really concentrate to not use four letter words. I try and I try, but when I grab that hot pan or lop off the tip of my finger, it just comes out naturally.

I guess it was inevitable, but now Lupe has started using a four letter word. She only knows one and it's vulgar, evil and nasty. Where she picked up this particularly horrible four letter word I'll never know. Certainly it wasn't from me. I know a lot of four letter words, but that ain't one of them. I have steadfastly avoided using this word for most of my adult life. I may be a sailor, but there are just some things I won't say. Lupe must have picked up this foul utterance from her co-workers. She's part of some big competition at work and this is a direct result. That vile four letter word that shocked me so when I first heard her say it.............DIET. I feel dirty and cheap just typing it. I want to wash my fingertips with soap and clean my keyboard. DIET!!!?? Where the hell did she come up with that? Things will never be the same around here.

Thanks to Lupe's four letter word, I haven't posted anything for over a month. Why bother? I hardly get a chance to cook anything good anymore. We have salads for dinner half the time. Maybe she's just getting back at me for all the swearing in the kitchen. Could it be? Do I have to give up swearing? I'm almost out of the Navy, so maybe it's time. How do I go about making the transition from foul-mouthed sailor to clean and pure civilian? Do I go cold turkey or should I use the verbal equivalent of the nicotine patch? Hmmmm; that might just work. I'll use the Battlestar Galactica method and use fake curse words that sound kind of like the real thing but actually mean nothing. You get all the visceral pleasure of swearing with none of the negative social implications. That might just be the ticket.

Well, it is getting late and I have to get up at six in the frakking morning to head up to Long Beach. Nighty-nite.