Dangerous side effects

So Lupe and I have been trying to eat better lately. We are eating healthier food and exercising more. We have been trying to limit portion size and eat regular meals. I have tried to drastically reduce the amount of carbs and sugars that we're eating. We are having lots of salads these days. Extra servings of veggies have replaced potatoes, beans, rice and other grains. I am looking for leaner cuts of meat and healthier methods of cooking. Did I mention that we are having more salads. Lots of friggin' salads. Chef's salads, cobb salads, fancy foo foo salads with arugula and micro-greens; all types of salads.

From The Hollow Leg Diner - images

Yeah....lots of salads

From The Hollow Leg Diner - images

For the most part, the results of our efforts have been beneficial; however, there have been a few unwanted side effects. All those salads are creating some negative physical problems. It is a little embarrassing to discuss but it needs to be said. I feel I should warn others who might think that eating salads will help them lead a healthier lifestyle. Don't do it. It will cause problems that will make you an outcast. People won't want be hang around with you. You will....err, well......you might start to.....ahhhh, its hard to put into words. Its just too embarrassing. Just look at the pictures
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From Family photos for web

From Family photos for web

Do you think this embarrassing growth will go away if we start eating lots of pork?